So let’s begin with this…if you asked me 30 years ago (I would have been…insert coughing noise…around 12 years old), where I would be at this age, I would have said, “Oh, I will be married with 4 children.” If you then asked me 20 years ago, where I would be at this age, I would have said, “Oh, I will be married with 4 children.” If you asked me 10 or even 5 years ago, the amount of children would have decreased to 2 or 3 but the answer would be the same….. I will be married with 2 or 3 children! Well, as you know now, that has not happened and so I write to tell you about it!
I started out in life like every other middle class child. Born into a loving, catholic family and the youngest of three children. I was also like every other little girl who played house and cradled her precious babydolls in her arms. It was as natural to me as the flowers that bloom every spring that a life of love, marriage and children would one day become part of my calling.
I had three long term and I guess can be considered serious relationships in my life, and yes, I count my high school boyfriend because it was probably the first time I experienced the heartache that comes with loving someone. Whether it was the same love I experienced in more adult relationships, I don’t know….. but anytime another person can make you feel completely vulnerable and hurt, then I believe there is an element of love experienced. My second relationship was actually quite long….four years, however, I was in college and although a lot of college relationships might end up in marriage, I was not open to the possibility of marriage with this person. There were reasons why at the time but mainly because I did not love him anymore. He was a wonderful person though….biggest heart in the world and I thank him for the love he showed me. Then there was my end of 20’s and into my 30’s love. This was the biggest heartache of all time! This was the person that I thought I would have a house full of children with and grow old together. This was it for me…..the love of my life! So when that ended, a piece of my heart broke off and it took me years to recover and feel strong enough to get out there again. That said, as the years marched on, I held on tight to each moment of potential love that might bring me closer to my calling, and with each heartbreak that came along with them, I experienced roller coaster ups and downs and one of the most profound feelings of emptiness I have ever felt. There was just so much heartache in those moment to moment relationships that I was left feeling very hopeless at times and not sure that I would ever find love again. Yet still, in some way, it made me hope even more because I could not accept a life without love. It was just unnatural and inorganic to me, that I would live out the rest of my life alone. It defied and even mystified, all of who I thought I was and all that I wanted to be. In one simple word, I felt completely and utterly LOST! I still feel lost in this part of my life so I am not going to tell you that I am “over it”, because I wouldn’t be writing here if I was, but I do still HOPE and BELIEVE that my forever after has not eluded me and I want you to do the same! 🙂
Anyone who shares in my quest for love and children can attest to and relate to my story and feelings of being “lost”. It is, in short, one of the best ways I can describe it because when it doesn’t come to you very easily, it can knock you right off of your foundation. Again, only those who did not CHOOSE a life of singlehood or being childfree, can truly understand this dynamic and where I am coming from. This is why I write today and share my story with you. I hope we can help each other and I, of course, would love to hear your story as well!
I offer you this thought provoking quote…..”There is simply no dignified way for a woman to live alone. Oh, she can get along financially perhaps (though not nearly as well as a man), but emotionally she is never left in peace. Her friends, her family, her fellow workers never let her forget that her husbandlessness, her childlessness—her selfishness, in short—is a reproach to the American way of life.” ~Erica Jong in Fear of Flying
And let me add this……..her own thoughts never let her forget either!